Wakizashi

2009 Ending With A Bang

2009-12-07T23:26:56Z

hey halidarre, I've had a great year and it looks like it's going to end in explosion. I'm actively letting my business die. My other personal relationships with miss awkward and the writing group and my family are all precarious.

But I don't know, I don't feel bad about it because I'm doing what I feel is right. I'm living life the only way I know how, that fulfills me, that makes me care to get up in the morning. I don't know how to live otherwise, trudging away at meaningless work, having no time for family or friends, becoming a self-absorbed automaton looking for my next fix. I wish I could see it otherwise, but I am pretty happy about my life. I am now making decisions for myself rather than letting life make decisions for me.

A few lessons I've learned this past month:
-I won't hold anger towards people if I don't act as the agent of justice--I just have to let people deal with the consequences of their actions and karma will do the rest.
-I will not let someone I'm dating into my social circle or my family until we're serious or else I will create unnecessarily complicated situations.
-It's not the total amount of money I make that matters but rather my cash flow.
-My self-preservation instinct is all skewed because I'm a survivor. I'll always be on my own and I'll always find a way to make it through, but the mindset that comes with this...selfish, risky, unfeeling.

I thought about you during Thanksgiving, and strangely enough watched Groundhog Day too.

Transition Period 2

2009-11-17T05:19:48Z

I guess the biggest change in mindset applies to my career. I'm positive now I will pursue higher education in psychology, most likely neuronal, and will enter two years from now. The big unanswered question is whether I can keep my business going while I do all that. Honestly, I've lost my passion for it recently. One, I've learned almost everything I can. Two, I'm tired of OC's ignorant new rich who, like me, care about nothing but the procurement of worldly comforts and empty pursuits of subjective status. Three my partner and I have grown so far apart that I can't see a compatible relationship with him.

My relationships with my formerly close-knit family has hit a strange place as well. I've grown a lot closer to my middle sister, but my oldest sister and my youngest sister have had trouble coping with life and have turned their energies into this faction against us. My brother is "engaged" and often home now. I've realized that my father has PTSD and have been thinking about what to do with this for awhile now. And in the next year, three members of my family will most likely be married.

And these changes have happened so fast. I think because I haven't changed for awhile, change picks up speed real fast--either that or as I get older everything accelerates. I'm in a weird place right now: I have had no desire for addictions of any kind for awhile; I don't feel lonely; I haven't had "crazy" time in awhile; I feel pretty grateful for my life.

I'm at 30% in terms of living the life the way I want, which is much better than the 10% of a few years ago. I'd like to reach 60% by the end of next year and stop turning into a boring fucker adult. That is all.

Transition Period 1

2009-11-17T04:55:13Z

Long time no talk Halidarre. I think about you and what you are doing these days. Life has kind of shifted a lot in the last month or so in terms of what I want to do and the kind of life that I want to live. I thought that in terms of living the life I want, more money and a love interest would do the trick, and although they've helped, they haven't really changed my life much. In trying to get more money and power, I end up having less time and in fact, instead of knowing what it's like to live like a "normal" person, I find it easier to distance myself from the concerns of the average person. The same goes with having someone I can turn to--I can just turn away and live in my own self-satisfying world. In a bunch of random and lucky events, I know very clearly now that I need to create lots of time in which to read, write, and work on human relationships.

In terms of relationships, I'm somehow still seeing Miss Awkward, and strangely enough I'm kind of glad to be in this middle purgatory land. If I've learned anything for certain in the last month, it's that yourself, friends, and family come first, because they're always going to be there, even if my partner is the only person who supplies 100% of my basic need for love. Anyway, although I get a little irked by her behavior (because I'm mature enough now where I don't have to hide my decisions from others), she has been really good for me--helped me work a lot of my possessiveness and neuroses and ego and all that good stuff. On an unrelated note, what's with girls who assume that you want to get with them? Get over yourself: being conceited and stuckup are not hot commodities. End rant.

In terms of my writing now, it's progressing nicely--merely being able to spit out a large quantity of words even if I lack quality of expression, and being more efficient at it. Still doing a lot of writing for the workshop, and a lot of writing at work for the applications of my clients this year. I've hit a vaccuum though, and so I need to read more and get more experiences with people in order to write believable characters, because I still believe that inspiring, useful accounts are character-driven.

September 2009: Good Luck?

2009-10-01T07:58:38Z

This journal remains the last refuge I have to write, and I want to track my life monthly at least. I need way too much attention.

My roommate got a job at the last minute and will not be moving out. Phew...he's kind of the first person I can live with without accidentally killing (on purpose) so I would hate to lose that. Plus he's a pretty cool guy, Christian but loves alcohol and cigars, computer geek, parents own a business.

I've been going to LA a lot for artistic inspiration, and the people have been very welcoming. Edren got piss ass drunk and went into a long tirade about how I need to shutup and listen. Point taken. I've seen now how ego destroys: I destroy because I'm unwilling face what's lacking; now I'm starting to get it.

I am still attempting to be less of a lone wolf. Office night last week was fun. Lee hand-fed everyone a snapea. Boundaries, who needs them? We're still jogging 4 miles on Mondays and Thursdays at mile square. You are welcome to join. But I will wait until Thuc recovers before I train for the LA Marathon.

Relationship (or lack thereof) perhaps over for the third time--can something that does not exist be over? Tree falling in the forest... However because I interfered where I didn't belong, the consequences don't make me feel wronged this time. I'm glad I could finally just give and not fear that I would open myself to harm.

Business should have been in great shape considering our second year performance, but got rough all of a sudden because of a few poorly planned marketing expenditures. I blame my business partner when really I didn't plan for it. I'm painfully aware of my inexperience and youth. When is a decision considered quitting too soon and when is a decision the best choice for me? As in all of my personal relationships, I can never tell.

It's amazing how little control I exert over my own life when it comes down to it. But I have my health and peace of mind, and so as far as I'm concerned, 2009 is still a pretty lucky year. I must stop the whine, but eat more cheese, and be grateful.

Best Birthday

2009-06-22T05:16:09Z

I don't like to make a big deal about my birfday, simply because I don't like it when people use it as an excuse to be nice to me one day of the year--I'd rather have consideration all year round without the gifts. But, anyway halidarre, I actually enjoyed my birfday this year.

-Day before my birfday, friends surprised me at Boiling Crab after jogging. Was the only person at the table who couldn't drink because I lost my wallet last week and didn't have ID. I snuck someone else's Stella and got caught. The manager came over and stopped me but he felt stupid because compared to me in age, his balls haven't even dropped yet. At classy places, they find a way to verify my age (girls there are cute but I'm never going back). Got a polaroid and used all the film. Loving it.
-On birfday, I was lonely so I called a few people at the last minute to come drink because I had whiskey, tequila, and rum. The girls played poker. The guys smoked outside. I knocked everyone out by Round 5 (R5) of shots and mixing Blue Moon, Captain Mo, Patron, Jack Daniel's, Dr. Pepper, A Cigar, Mr. Green--how many chemicals is that? Met an old high school friend who will be my new roommate. A female got dry humped by another female on the stairs. I passed out dead tired.
-Next day, rolled into the office and ran a disorganized teacher's orientation. Bought a dress shirt in less than 10 minutes because stressed for time. I came home briefly, michael annoyed me so I blew up and became old tho for the first time in like 2 years and said everything that was on my mind. I feel so much lighter now, like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. Went to dinner at Mr. Chow's. The staff asks what you like and they just make random dishes...Creative, colorful food. Over attentive service was counterproductive. Price exorbitant but it was a gift so I didn't have to pay. They put minorities and children on the quiet side of the restaurant so that the beverly hills types don't have to see us. The two white skinned people wore all black. The two darker skinned people wore bright colors. I'm obsessed with duality. Had a blast.
-Father's day ate lunch with fambly. My brother's future mother-in-law is visiting on Tuesday. I think it'd be funny to take her to Seaworld and have Shamu splash her, "Welkom to America!" Went to the mall with my sister. My ninja sense kept catching dirty looks from people and I couldn't figure out why. And then I realized after a few times that it was just the women: they'd notice my sister's expensive bag and dog her. wtf is wrong with people down south? I wouldn't even recognize expensive nice consumerist brand name goods if I saw them, more or less care how other people live. Worry about yourself and your own development, because that's the only thing that will really affect your own happiness, seriously.

This year has been amazing--even the downs, of money, of past relationships, of friendships have prepared me for changes that I could not have foreseen...I guess everything happens for a reason. Either that or...squinty eyes = lucky .

2009 is too expensive (but still awesome)

2009-06-17T04:57:40Z

Saw Up with Huong. It's my favorite Pixar movie so far, but I haven't seen all of em.
Theresa is pissed at me again (for what?) yet won't talk to me like an adult about it. I an reaching dangerous indifference. I move in July. I've also decided I will write her a letter to tell her how I feel about her relationship, since I'm not gonna see her again anyway, I have nothing to lose, and I'm not very good at keeping my mouth shut.
Pizza and Lakers game. Lost 3 rounds of poker in a row. I feel outmanned when other people beat me in poker. I don't like to gamble. My dad used to always gamble dominoes at family reunions and take home a few hundred bucks, so where are my genes?
I'm so immature still--I bristled when a student said that he wouldn't be working at a tutoring center if he had a degree from Yale, as if what I do is beneath my abilities. And I want to be like, do you know what I've built here? Do you know our business model already beats the Kaplan's in Irvine? Do you know that we're the #1 in Orange County for college applications? And that next year, I'm going to take this to #1 in the country with the grant and funds writing that I've added to the business model? Do you know how much the business value has jumped, and we're not even past the 3-year benchmark? I didn't say any of this of course, but why the hell do I feel the need to justify myself to a teenager, or anybody really? Lame.
Summer program is starting on Monday. I always thought starting a business would give me no job security. The economy tanked, and all of a sudden, I have the jobs. We got two unpaid interns this summer. Hired one of my old students who's at UCI now (time goes by so fast). Hired kari, which is weird. Printing 4 books this summer for our students' use, hope to sell one of them at bookstores eventually.
My sister Q, jason and miss awkward are going to Mr. (Dr?) Chow's? or something in LA. I don't know how to dress nice.
Hung out with my other sisters last Saturday. had lots of sushi and sake bombs. They living la vida loca, 2 dogs, 2 kids, 2 crazy. Ethan is in terrible two's and he just screams for no reason. I want a bulldog. They can't swim. Their folds need to be washed daily or they will get bacterial infections. They have trouble having sex. wtf how have you not gone extinct?
contacted gerber and will catch up with him in Santa Monica hopefully this weekend to talk about the business aspects of writing.
I wanted to go to Vietnam this fall, but with sam's wedding in august amongst other things, i don't think it's gonna happen. oh wells.

I was losing my mind pretty bad last week. But I'm always reminded that everything happens for a reason, so I really don't need to fight it. My social circle has somehow completely changed in a month--I don't know why. It's probably for the best.

Random Cryptic Stuff So I Can Remember Later
-It's just like you, to chew food in the background and not say a word. I know how you sound when you chew. Hello. Hello. Hey.
-06/12/09: crazy office. called your bluff. haunted by a sleeping figure again.

Feeling And Thinking Like A Gemini

2009-06-10T03:17:46Z

Called my ex-gf just to talk. her phone # had changed. duh! it's been a hella long time. there, all good and done. hope you are doing well. everything you said came true. thanks for everything. that's all i wanted to say. i told you i would call when I got over it, and I did. You convinced me: some people have been such a big part of your life that it'd be a waste to throw them away. so...wherever you are, you are valuable to me.

I invite people to shit and they acknowledge the invitation but don't even bother to tell me if they're coming or not. People don't appreciate you until you're gone, at which point, you're not noticeably convenient any more. That's the truth. Find a place where you matter and stay there. Back to meditation, books, and family I go.

"You have an ego the size of Kansas" and "I want to get into fights with you" were enough to seal those old relationship issues up permamently this time (i *think*). Anna gave me an awesome card--she kind of is...something else. It's easy for me to turn to someone else as a crutch, so I have to remind myself to deal with my own problems and work on myself no matter how comfortable I seem to be.

I Had A Dream Involving Two Girls And It Told Me What To Do

2009-06-09T00:30:22Z

Q's party in Irvine was fun. Met some cool, positive people. The guy who cooked did bodyshots off some other girl there, and his date in blue got pissed, KOREAN STYLE. Girl who caked me last time was there this time too, and apparently she is now the COO of some company. Good for her and glass ceiling and all, I guess. Her friends (French guy this time) always give me the creeps.

Groggy the next day. Went to dim sum. Ran into my old boss from my consulting days, and thanked her for how much my life changed from the perspective I got there. She wasn't awkward about the terms on which I quit, but instead was really friendly. Everything has come full circle. The first thing she wanted to know about was my gf, since it was at the center of my conflict there. I told her we broke up since then. She broke up with hers too. Her new cowboy boy toy is younger than me---awkward. Spent time in a jacuzzi. Didn't go to driving range. Didn't do much of anything because I lost my wallet and my eyes turned full-on red.

Found out something a bit shocking about my brother's "upcoming marriage"--more on that later. Let's just say it involves Vegas. Apparently, our parents have kept it from us, which explains why their lawyer friends have come over for lunch so often lately. I don't really care though. It's their house, his inheritance, and their lives, so I'm okay with it, but my sister isn't.

Read Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass. Agreed with his ideas on masculinity.

Gearing up for summer at work. One of my students gave me a giganto Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. I've eaten 4 slices and have yet to feel ill effects besides you know, the red eyes and all. I've been learning fascinating research about the North Korean Workers' Party rise to power during the Korean War from the grad student whose PhD app I've been working on. Funding is tight for grad students this year. I've been thinking I should get around to my own, but I still feel like I'm waiting for something to click in my life before I'm ready for that.

My Throat Is Sore 7/10

2009-06-04T21:01:14Z

Memorial day weekend was...memorable. Poker night was fun. Drag Me To Hell was like...wtf (7/10)? I'm ready to move. I need to get over old relationship issues of feeling like a convenience, but my instincts don't lie, and I continue to allow myself be in those situations. I read Michael Crichton's Prey - 7/10, fun ideas on nanomachines though. I don't work this Saturday. I used to want to just sit at home and relax on the weekends--now having no plans kind of makes me go a little crazy. The good outweighs the bad. The good outweighs the bad.

2009 Is Still Awesome But Getting Expensive...

2009-05-27T05:34:47Z

Actually had a great holiday weekend. First time in a long time. So I guess all of my old issues of feeling used and a matter of convenience have been completely healed up. Funny what it takes sometimes, to just find people who won't treat me that way. Better to not rely on wishy washy people and make it happen myself. My tolerance for certain behavior (small-minded pettiness) has dried up, but maybe we're just on different paths in life. But I guess we all gotta clear up some to make room for new people and growing relationships.

<3 potlucks, chocolate chip cookies, and dessert wine. Someone told me to call my sister Q to tell her that she's hot, and so I did, and then I realized that I was telling my sister that she's hot, awkward...Someone stroked my hair from behind. I turned around and it was Thuc. Awkward.

I found a soda called Leninade, and the slogan is "Worth standing in line for." <--clever.

My friend Sam proposed to his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago and instead of having the ceremony next year like he had told me, he's having it right away in August....I feel old, going to weddings in Chicago. That's what old people do. Time to brush off that ill-fitting pinstripe suit. I bet he's not even gonna have a bachelor's party. I'm gonna be the only Asian person there, and I'm not even allowed to bring a date so I can't even go, "Look, here is one more Asian person!" I want a cool briefcase so I can put it on a table and open it, plop-crack-snap!

I've decided to gain twenty more pounds and learn all the secrets of Viet cooking. Woot, I will be a sustainable mass of a planet!

Sunday Morning Share Some Skin

2009-05-24T17:09:17Z

Life has been a whirlwind, caught in the middle. Not necessarily good or bad. A lot of my ghosts are being brought out by chance. I feel lighter.

My discipline has been faltering. My resentment towards friendships of convenience has been growing. I've stopped smoking for a long time. Sometimes it's easy to just fall back into it. Two steps forward, one step back.

There used to seem never enough time for work. Now there seems never enough time to see people. And I'm on a human frenzy lately. Grarahdhagh <---that's me tearing up some humans.

I'm glad for it all. I want to share it with people, but people vanish. I'm just really impatient. Sometimes I think too much.

It Is What It Is

2009-05-21T04:57:53Z

Dunno why I update any more halidarre, maybe just so I can keep track for later.

-Saw Star Trek with my brother Sean. The girls didn't like it. I really liked the theme of conflict between logic and emotion
-Went to xuan's awkward party which was really fun. Stopped over at my Thuc's house afterward with phung's cigar. He had already passed out from five bottles of cordon bleu and it was only like 11pm. His friends made fun of the cigar I brought, like it was all lame, and then I found out they had never smoked a cigar in their lives and were speaking out of their asses. Then they lit the cigar and smoked it all...wtf..oh well funny night. Everyone was dressed really hot and my eyes appreciate that.
-Had dinner with my sister Kieu and her boyfiend jason. we talked about everything. we had a blast. ate dessert at houston's. she's going through slight negativity right now, which i want to tease out of her completely, because well, she's awesome.
-Went up to la to hang out with edren and narinda and watch the tnc. stayed too late drinking too many beers and having too many cigs. met two really interesting people at weiland's. talked business with edren and apparently lots of people have a lot to say about dislocated shoulders. passed out in Pasadena. saw some parts of Scorsese's Casino and really liked Sharon Stone's acting. Woke up, ate at Denny's with like the best service in the world. I'm not kidding. Hauled my groggy ass to work. Was greeted by a surprise visitor when I left the office late at night. Awkward.
-i've met three people who look and act like cooler, nicer versions of good friends I used to have that screwed me over. It's weird, all the guilt and animosity from them is all gone because some kind of weird replacement emotional transfer or something. whatever.

And here i am, fried, thinking that if if I tried to achieve my potential, maybe it would inspire others to do the same. But now I'm thinking I'm misguided, and maybe it just engenders jealousy, because some people don't want to be better, they're content with everyone else being at the same level as they are. So what's the point. Keep it to yourself.

Crazy

2009-05-17T02:13:50Z

I’ve always considered myself the craziest person I know. Sure, I’ve met other people who are more reckless than I am when it comes to physical injury. Sure, I’ve met other people more emotionally unstable (*cough* ex-girfriends) or more mentally unstable (*cough* actors and politicians) than I am. But I am the type of crazy that will act simply to see what might happen, to get a reaction, with no real motivation for personal gain. Just to see! I’ve always considered myself the craziest person I know, but on Thursday…

I was standing outside a 7-11 convenience store in the parking lot hanging out with Miss Awkward, sipping some Xtreme Cappacino. A brown lanky boy who reminded me of some Spaniard lord of skateboard culture accosted me, accompanied by a blasted Asian who reminded me of my gregarious Filipino friend Mario. They (probably seventeen) asked politely if I could buy them two Hurricane High Gravity tall cans. I’ve always been grateful to the older people in my life who indulged me when I was underage, and so I obliged without a second thought.

I left Miss Awkward with them and walked to the beer section at the back of the store. I grabbed two Hurricane High Gravity (insert more extreme nouns here) beers and returned to the parking lot. The smooth-faced Asian was gone, and only the skater boy remained. For some reason, he was rubbing the back of his head nervously with his palm. When I handed the beer cans over to the Spaniard, his worried expression disappeared; the smooth-faced Asian one popped up from behind a car far away and waved a cheerful thanks. “That’s odd,” I thought.

Apparently, while I was in the store, Miss Awkward had told them that this was her first date with me and that she had just learned that I worked as an undercover cop. She told them that my car had hidden cameras all over it, and that maybe I wouldn’t bust them because I was off-duty, but she couldn’t say for certain. They pointed at the small rubber nub on top of my car (the radio antenna) and said, “Oh shit! Is that one of the cameras?” The Asian bolted to his hiding spot after that, and the Spaniard teen weighed getting busted versus losing five dollars. That’s when I came back.

I laughed my head off. When I asked her, “What made you say that to them?” she replied, “I dunno. I just wanted to see what would happen.” Uh oh. I’ve met my match.

Why has 2009 been amazing? I don't get it.

2009-05-10T02:59:25Z

Life gets weirder and more wonderful. I want to get a Polaroid camera, any thoughts?

so phung and i setup thuc and tiff on a blind date. After the marathon in which he had only 3 hours of sleep, I said, "let's go eat." and then when he got into the car, i said, "so i found a way to get back at you for this marathon and my knees" and he was like "huh?" and i was like "I'm driving you to a blind date!" Surprisingly, they hit it off real well, extraordinarily well. Yay, i'm going to heaven!

He tried to do a reverse blind date on me, but he doesn't realize who he's messing with. I have this really elaborate prank in progress. Shhh...I'll tell you the rest of the story later when it all blows over. It's gonna be awesome i swear.
-----
thuc: did you see your marathon pics?
me: yeah
thuc: you need to learn how to open your eyes
-----
(1:09:21 AM) electricfakeart: no crying before you die. what a waste of energies
----
ON THURSDAY
anna: what time is it?
TA: 9pm, why, what do you have to do?
anna: i just have to stay up late.
thuc: why?
anna: I have to sleep in tomorrow
Everyone together (since we all had work in the morning): ...

ninjaprax @ 2009-05-06T03:21:00

2009-05-06T10:20:14Z

need to learn to shut my mouth sometimes. annoying.

Skyrocketing

2009-05-06T00:35:47Z

The half-marathon for me was symbolic. I wanted to know that I was at a point in my life where I had learned endurance and patience, and I believe that I have some degree of it now. I was starting to get antsy again. Is my life always gonna be the same? Am I gonna be bored and waste away my youth repeating life day-in and day-out?

I forged ahead this time instead of running away from my problems: I came in to work early. Have you ever worked continuously for 8 hours a day 5 days a week, considering that the average person is productive for 2 hours a day? It's exhausting. I stopped trying so hard to date every girl whom I found physically attractive and worked on myself instead. I wrote every day in the workshop even when I came home at 4am.

And...incredibly, in the last week--one week's time--all aspects of my life have skyrocketed in all the right ways. My business has exploded (in a good way) unbelievably, in historically the worst month of spring. I understand true love but am not ready to tell this story yet. I write fluidly and without obligation. My relationships with my friends and family are the best they have ever been in my life.

Things are changing so fast...there's so much at stake and I don't even feel the need to self-destruct any more to keep up. I embrace the responsibility of being given so much. Could it have been, that I just had nothing to challenge me and so I didn't care? I feel challenged now, at work, in relationships, mentally in my writing. I feel like a ball of pure energy, like I could accomplish anything.

I would like to say I deserve this, but I don't. I'm not very much good at anything; I think my strongest trait is that I must have luck genes. I didn't make any of this happen; I was handed all of this out of the blue. Who is to say who deserves misery? Who is to say who deserves happiness? I'm gonna ban the word 'deserve' along with the word 'selfish'. I'm so grateful; thank you.

LA Marathon Next Year?

2009-05-04T03:30:59Z

finished in 2:14:44. Not very fast but at least I never stopped. Sweet!

The course of the OC Marathon was beautiful, winding through the wetlands in newport beach. Hell, I knew there were swamps there, but I didn't know there were paths and views like that!

In the beginning I darted past the fat people cuz it depressed me to see them breathing so hard in the first four miles. At the end, they ended up passing me! humbling...I saw a person collapse and get put into a stretcher literally ten seconds from the finish line.

There's not much to do while running, so strangers talk to me:

1. Old crotchety man with headphones when I darted past: don't be a dick!
Me running backwards: I'm not...
Old crotchety man: yes you are. you're a dick.
Me looks him in the eyes and he looks down: you're the one calling me names. I ain't calling you anything.
Old crotchety man: ...

2. Past the eleventh mile, so uphill and so tired and I'm looking down at my feet while trudging. Nice guy runs up next to me and asks, "How much more to go?" when he clearly knows by markers. I play along: "one mile and a half." He says, "Alright we're almost there!" to encourage me.

3. Past the twelfth mile, I'm jogging like an ant. A skinny white woman (skinny white women are always really nice to me out of white guilt or a sense of motherly protection for 3rd world children) says to me, "C'mon we're almost there. You can do it!" nice lady

4. Past the thirteenth mile, I see a fit black dude stop running and start walking literally 3 minutes from the finish line.
Me: we're almost there!
Black guy starts running with me: yes!
Me: we can almost eat. food in my stomach
Black guy: oh yes. oh lordy yes
Me: a massage from a nice woman afterwards
Black guy: ohhhh, yes. definitely man. ohh lordy
Me: and if we don't have girlfriends we can go to an asian massage parlor
Black guy: *pauses* ohh lordy yeah. Get a happy ending.
Me: Yes, just turn over, but don't say it explicitly. You never know if it's a police raid.
Black guy: mmmhmmm.
And after that, he blasts off to the finish line before me.

Touchy

2009-04-30T21:14:32Z

People who can stay stable, financially and emotionally, etc. I used to think they were so boring. What schlubs I thought--no passion for life or personality at all, just holding onto what little green grass they can till and following all the rules like large dumb bovines. How lame and unimaginative. The easy way out.

I'm starting to give them a little bit more credit. It's not easy to stay stable, not because of the difficulty of the decisions or work involved, but because it's so damn boring. However, it's clearly necessary for some piece of mind and for progression onto the next phase of living. I need to collect more data on this one.

ninjaprax @ 2009-04-30T08:49:00

2009-04-30T15:48:43Z

I guess you're never leaving.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Emo gone. Best year continues. Boggled.

2009-04-29T07:18:10Z

I'm learning very quickly if that people don't respect my time, I am not going to give them the time of day.

Otherwise, things have been really good/weird. The universe sends me things I don't know why. Why this year, all at once? Why not the last two years when I was just so miserable. i had another great weekend...one-of-a-kind really. and i'm taking a 3-day weekend this week. One of my application clients (a community college student who is a really solid guy but who faced all these curveballs early on) got into ucla so far.

A new-found resolve just suddently appeared in my psyche....I've been waiting for it, really. I mean, for a long time I always tried to steel myself towards certain achievements, when really, all the intentions don't translate at all when it's just not intrinsically present in my worldview. But then a few things change in my life, and now all of a sudden, ideas interlock and it all becomes so clear that this is the way I have to be. And I don't have to try...or remind myself..or anything really. Now the intentions are just natural.

Anyway, all the things I needed just to get by, I don't need any more. All of the little tasks that I thought were just wastes of time, but that i knew in the back of my head that I needed to take care of to reach another level, i feel like i can do now without reservation. I'm having trouble putting this into words. Anyway, to be less vague, I am going to work hard. I am going to wake up early. I am going to learn how to cook Vietnamese food. I am going to go out of my way to seek out new experiences. I am going to be honest and consistent. I am going to finish reading all of these books. Instead of taking it for granted and becoming complacent, I am going to improve no matter how much more the universe bestows upon me.

emo not dead yet. almost there

2009-04-27T20:19:00Z

left and right. black and white. 0 and 1. right and wrong. I can only choose one of two. Faced with a paradox, I fail to compute.

ninjaprax @ 2009-04-24T19:22:00

2009-04-25T02:28:10Z

The prudent thing to do is a bitter pill to swallow. Translation: I still can't tear myself away from raw emotion and reaction because i guess i still get some tangible benefit from it, and I haven't really seen the benefit of acting rationally yet.

My wishy-washiness is starting to annoy even me. Maybe I'll purge it out of my system permanently this weekend. i think I will. I think I can. I must. So says this th0. Let's see in a week. Death to emo, seriously.

Loosely Attached

2009-04-24T05:13:01Z

I've been thinking about my move, and I think I might move into the heart of garden grove. Be with what I really grew up with and really learn about this place. I never thought I would. I didn't like myself so I didn't like Vietnamese culture. I would never date a Vietnamese girl. I strayed away from Vietnamese food. I moved to be as far away as possible from it and still be in OC. But meh, now everything's the opposite. I would be able to walk (or run) to all of my friends' houses. I would be able to get more of the food, which is now my favorite (sorry Sisig, you came close). Get more of the political climate. And I would get to meet more Vietnamese people. LA people have got me intrigued too, but my work's too far from all of this.

Weird these days halidarre. Changing so fast I can't really grapple with it. I think I'm making up for lost time because I've been the same for so long. Punctuated equilibrium, I guess. So we never really waste time. We always catch up real fast. And it's always two steps forward one step back. Cuz it's weird, I just wanna be the same but I can't recognize myself. So I self-destruct. A part of me dies away. I continue forward.

Whatever.

I'm Not A Yeti!

2009-04-24T04:57:57Z

Felt really, really sad today. I think I'm starting to figure out why. What if it's just some weird physical problem and I just don't realize it. I recorded an EKG of myself once for some physiology class, and my pulse wave looked different from everyone else's--after the first major crest, there was a large crest next to it, when usually, the secondary crest is tiny. I got worried and asked the professor in charge of the lab what that might mean. She said "enlarged ventricles" or something. Then she added (in front of her grad students): "who knows. it could just be normal for what his body has adapted to," and i'm like thinknig what the fuck? We learn in biology that there's homology between many species, and so similarities abound, but you're telling me this EKG is different from everyone else's in this room because I'm Vietnamese, not even a different species. I'm not a yeti! Where was I? Oh yeah, I think I've been really sad last two days cuz I start to expect certain things from people, when really, nobody owes me anything. And I don't owe anybody anything. That's a framework I can accept for now.

Speaking of which, I think I reject part of the Buddhist idea that life is mostly suffering (always hungry, thirsty, sexual impulses, pain, death, loss, etc etc). I think maybe negative events are the minority. So life is mostly joy. I don't really want a couple of really negative things (two unrelated people) to set my mood for the day. So I'm gonna start listing bad vs. good everyday, cuz I don't want to let the bad dominate.

THE BAD
-two callous people

THE GOOD
-ran at the beach with friends, beautiful dusk sky
-left work early and nobody bothered me
-forced some knowledge into two lazy kids' heads today, hard and slow (don't even think about it perv. you know who you are)
-I spent some time writing and reading
-i now have a full weekend of things I actually look forward to for the first time since I can remember.
-My friend gave me some ligament pills for my knees (don't even think about it perv, you know who you are), and this crazy deadly looking chilli patch thing that I'm gonna try in a few minutes

oh yeah...

2009-04-22T21:44:59Z

-Calling people on the phone is difficult. Relationship maintenance...is difficult.
-Aloe is now my favorite plant
-Anna's having a bonfire on Saturday night. Come with.
-I feel sad for seemingly no reason again. What a weird feeling in my gut.
-I'm overwhelmed at work but I'm glad for the clientele. A couple of employees got unreliable and so I take care of it myself: my current weekly lineup is calculus, physics, biology, chemistry, english, sat critical reading, us history, and now I'm also working on some phd student's application.
-my brother is getting married. yes. just like that. I've met her twice. we plan to go to vietnam in november to meet her parents. i don't know if i can just blow a couple grand right now, but I really wanna go. I actually think she and he fit well together. they mesh real well, and she appreciates him for his sense of humor, his carpe diem personality and his carefreeway of living. i got to some point in my life where I thought love was not enough, that it took money and more practical concerns to keep a relationship going. I've changed my mind again. If there's not enough love, when faced with hardships, people will bail when the weakness is revealed. If there's enough love, you will make it through no matter what.
-jealousy is really starting to annoy me. everyone i know seems to have entered a serious relationship, and I seem to always be in someone's way. guess I'll keep on moving to where I'm wanted.
-when i was in a serious relationship, everyone told me i was too young and should stop. Now that I'm out, the same people keep asking me why I'm twenty five and not in a relationship. I have realized now that everyone else is clueless, and I'll take my own counsel, at my own time, to make my own happiness, thank you very much.