| Transition Period 2 |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|09:20 pm] |
| [ | State of Mind |
| |  full | ] |
I guess the biggest change in mindset applies to my career. I'm positive now I will pursue higher education in psychology, most likely neuronal, and will enter two years from now. The big unanswered question is whether I can keep my business going while I do all that. Honestly, I've lost my passion for it recently. One, I've learned almost everything I can. Two, I'm tired of OC's ignorant new rich who, like me, care about nothing but the procurement of worldly comforts and empty pursuits of subjective status. Three my partner and I have grown so far apart that I can't see a compatible relationship with him.
My relationships with my formerly close-knit family has hit a strange place as well. I've grown a lot closer to my middle sister, but my oldest sister and my youngest sister have had trouble coping with life and have turned their energies into this faction against us. My brother is "engaged" and often home now. I've realized that my father has PTSD and have been thinking about what to do with this for awhile now. And in the next year, three members of my family will most likely be married.
And these changes have happened so fast. I think because I haven't changed for awhile, change picks up speed real fast--either that or as I get older everything accelerates. I'm in a weird place right now: I have had no desire for addictions of any kind for awhile; I don't feel lonely; I haven't had "crazy" time in awhile; I feel pretty grateful for my life.
I'm at 30% in terms of living the life the way I want, which is much better than the 10% of a few years ago. I'd like to reach 60% by the end of next year and stop turning into a boring fucker adult. That is all. |
|
|
| Transition Period 1 |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|08:55 pm] |
| [ | State of Mind |
| | full | ] |
Long time no talk Halidarre. I think about you and what you are doing these days. Life has kind of shifted a lot in the last month or so in terms of what I want to do and the kind of life that I want to live. I thought that in terms of living the life I want, more money and a love interest would do the trick, and although they've helped, they haven't really changed my life much. In trying to get more money and power, I end up having less time and in fact, instead of knowing what it's like to live like a "normal" person, I find it easier to distance myself from the concerns of the average person. The same goes with having someone I can turn to--I can just turn away and live in my own self-satisfying world. In a bunch of random and lucky events, I know very clearly now that I need to create lots of time in which to read, write, and work on human relationships.
In terms of relationships, I'm somehow still seeing Miss Awkward, and strangely enough I'm kind of glad to be in this middle purgatory land. If I've learned anything for certain in the last month, it's that yourself, friends, and family come first, because they're always going to be there, even if my partner is the only person who supplies 100% of my basic need for love. Anyway, although I get a little irked by her behavior (because I'm mature enough now where I don't have to hide my decisions from others), she has been really good for me--helped me work a lot of my possessiveness and neuroses and ego and all that good stuff. On an unrelated note, what's with girls who assume that you want to get with them? Get over yourself: being conceited and stuckup are not hot commodities. End rant.
In terms of my writing now, it's progressing nicely--merely being able to spit out a large quantity of words even if I lack quality of expression, and being more efficient at it. Still doing a lot of writing for the workshop, and a lot of writing at work for the applications of my clients this year. I've hit a vaccuum though, and so I need to read more and get more experiences with people in order to write believable characters, because I still believe that inspiring, useful accounts are character-driven. |
|
|
| September 2009: Good Luck? |
[Oct. 1st, 2009|12:16 am] |
This journal remains the last refuge I have to write, and I want to track my life monthly at least. I need way too much attention.
My roommate got a job at the last minute and will not be moving out. Phew...he's kind of the first person I can live with without accidentally killing (on purpose) so I would hate to lose that. Plus he's a pretty cool guy, Christian but loves alcohol and cigars, computer geek, parents own a business.
I've been going to LA a lot for artistic inspiration, and the people have been very welcoming. Edren got piss ass drunk and went into a long tirade about how I need to shutup and listen. Point taken. I've seen now how ego destroys: I destroy because I'm unwilling face what's lacking; now I'm starting to get it.
I am still attempting to be less of a lone wolf. Office night last week was fun. Lee hand-fed everyone a snapea. Boundaries, who needs them? We're still jogging 4 miles on Mondays and Thursdays at mile square. You are welcome to join. But I will wait until Thuc recovers before I train for the LA Marathon.
Relationship (or lack thereof) perhaps over for the third time--can something that does not exist be over? Tree falling in the forest... However because I interfered where I didn't belong, the consequences don't make me feel wronged this time. I'm glad I could finally just give and not fear that I would open myself to harm.
Business should have been in great shape considering our second year performance, but got rough all of a sudden because of a few poorly planned marketing expenditures. I blame my business partner when really I didn't plan for it. I'm painfully aware of my inexperience and youth. When is a decision considered quitting too soon and when is a decision the best choice for me? As in all of my personal relationships, I can never tell.
It's amazing how little control I exert over my own life when it comes down to it. But I have my health and peace of mind, and so as far as I'm concerned, 2009 is still a pretty lucky year. I must stop the whine, but eat more cheese, and be grateful. |
|
|
| Best Birthday |
[Jun. 21st, 2009|09:28 pm] |
I don't like to make a big deal about my birfday, simply because I don't like it when people use it as an excuse to be nice to me one day of the year--I'd rather have consideration all year round without the gifts. But, anyway halidarre, I actually enjoyed my birfday this year.
-Day before my birfday, friends surprised me at Boiling Crab after jogging. Was the only person at the table who couldn't drink because I lost my wallet last week and didn't have ID. I snuck someone else's Stella and got caught. The manager came over and stopped me but he felt stupid because compared to me in age, his balls haven't even dropped yet. At classy places, they find a way to verify my age (girls there are cute but I'm never going back). Got a polaroid and used all the film. Loving it.
-On birfday, I was lonely so I called a few people at the last minute to come drink because I had whiskey, tequila, and rum. The girls played poker. The guys smoked outside. I knocked everyone out by Round 5 (R5) of shots and mixing Blue Moon, Captain Mo, Patron, Jack Daniel's, Dr. Pepper, A Cigar, Mr. Green--how many chemicals is that? Met an old high school friend who will be my new roommate. A female got dry humped by another female on the stairs. I passed out dead tired.
-Next day, rolled into the office and ran a disorganized teacher's orientation. Bought a dress shirt in less than 10 minutes because stressed for time. I came home briefly, michael annoyed me so I blew up and became old tho for the first time in like 2 years and said everything that was on my mind. I feel so much lighter now, like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. Went to dinner at Mr. Chow's. The staff asks what you like and they just make random dishes...Creative, colorful food. Over attentive service was counterproductive. Price exorbitant but it was a gift so I didn't have to pay. They put minorities and children on the quiet side of the restaurant so that the beverly hills types don't have to see us. The two white skinned people wore all black. The two darker skinned people wore bright colors. I'm obsessed with duality. Had a blast.
-Father's day ate lunch with fambly. My brother's future mother-in-law is visiting on Tuesday. I think it'd be funny to take her to Seaworld and have Shamu splash her, "Welkom to America!" Went to the mall with my sister. My ninja sense kept catching dirty looks from people and I couldn't figure out why. And then I realized after a few times that it was just the women: they'd notice my sister's expensive bag and dog her. wtf is wrong with people down south? I wouldn't even recognize expensive nice consumerist brand name goods if I saw them, more or less care how other people live. Worry about yourself and your own development, because that's the only thing that will really affect your own happiness, seriously.
This year has been amazing--even the downs, of money, of past relationships, of friendships have prepared me for changes that I could not have foreseen...I guess everything happens for a reason. Either that or...squinty eyes = lucky . |
|
|
| 2009 is too expensive (but still awesome) |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|09:39 pm] |
| [ | State of Mind |
| |  moody | ] |
- Saw Up with Huong. It's my favorite Pixar movie so far, but I haven't seen all of em.
- Theresa is pissed at me again (for what?) yet won't talk to me like an adult about it. I an reaching dangerous indifference. I move in July. I've also decided I will write her a letter to tell her how I feel about her relationship, since I'm not gonna see her again anyway, I have nothing to lose, and I'm not very good at keeping my mouth shut.
- Pizza and Lakers game. Lost 3 rounds of poker in a row. I feel outmanned when other people beat me in poker. I don't like to gamble. My dad used to always gamble dominoes at family reunions and take home a few hundred bucks, so where are my genes?
- I'm so immature still--I bristled when a student said that he wouldn't be working at a tutoring center if he had a degree from Yale, as if what I do is beneath my abilities. And I want to be like, do you know what I've built here? Do you know our business model already beats the Kaplan's in Irvine? Do you know that we're the #1 in Orange County for college applications? And that next year, I'm going to take this to #1 in the country with the grant and funds writing that I've added to the business model? Do you know how much the business value has jumped, and we're not even past the 3-year benchmark? I didn't say any of this of course, but why the hell do I feel the need to justify myself to a teenager, or anybody really? Lame.
- Summer program is starting on Monday. I always thought starting a business would give me no job security. The economy tanked, and all of a sudden, I have the jobs. We got two unpaid interns this summer. Hired one of my old students who's at UCI now (time goes by so fast). Hired kari, which is weird. Printing 4 books this summer for our students' use, hope to sell one of them at bookstores eventually.
- My sister Q, jason and miss awkward are going to Mr. (Dr?) Chow's? or something in LA. I don't know how to dress nice.
- Hung out with my other sisters last Saturday. had lots of sushi and sake bombs. They living la vida loca, 2 dogs, 2 kids, 2 crazy. Ethan is in terrible two's and he just screams for no reason. I want a bulldog. They can't swim. Their folds need to be washed daily or they will get bacterial infections. They have trouble having sex. wtf how have you not gone extinct?
- contacted gerber and will catch up with him in Santa Monica hopefully this weekend to talk about the business aspects of writing.
- I wanted to go to Vietnam this fall, but with sam's wedding in august amongst other things, i don't think it's gonna happen. oh wells.
I was losing my mind pretty bad last week. But I'm always reminded that everything happens for a reason, so I really don't need to fight it. My social circle has somehow completely changed in a month--I don't know why. It's probably for the best.
Random Cryptic Stuff So I Can Remember Later
-It's just like you, to chew food in the background and not say a word. I know how you sound when you chew. Hello. Hello. Hey.
-06/12/09: crazy office. called your bluff. haunted by a sleeping figure again. |
|
|
| Feeling And Thinking Like A Gemini |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|07:54 pm] |
| [ | State of Mind |
| | happy & misanthropic | ] |
Called my ex-gf just to talk. her phone # had changed. duh! it's been a hella long time. there, all good and done. hope you are doing well. everything you said came true. thanks for everything. that's all i wanted to say. i told you i would call when I got over it, and I did. You convinced me: some people have been such a big part of your life that it'd be a waste to throw them away. so...wherever you are, you are valuable to me.
I invite people to shit and they acknowledge the invitation but don't even bother to tell me if they're coming or not. People don't appreciate you until you're gone, at which point, you're not noticeably convenient any more. That's the truth. Find a place where you matter and stay there. Back to meditation, books, and family I go.
"You have an ego the size of Kansas" and "I want to get into fights with you" were enough to seal those old relationship issues up permamently this time (i *think*). Anna gave me an awesome card--she kind of is...something else. It's easy for me to turn to someone else as a crutch, so I have to remind myself to deal with my own problems and work on myself no matter how comfortable I seem to be. |
|
|
| I Had A Dream Involving Two Girls And It Told Me What To Do |
[Jun. 8th, 2009|05:02 pm] |
| [ | State of Mind |
| |  listless | ] |
| [ | Playing |
| | I'm sure you'd rather be with your stupid boyfriend instead. | ] |
Q's party in Irvine was fun. Met some cool, positive people. The guy who cooked did bodyshots off some other girl there, and his date in blue got pissed, KOREAN STYLE. Girl who caked me last time was there this time too, and apparently she is now the COO of some company. Good for her and glass ceiling and all, I guess. Her friends (French guy this time) always give me the creeps.
Groggy the next day. Went to dim sum. Ran into my old boss from my consulting days, and thanked her for how much my life changed from the perspective I got there. She wasn't awkward about the terms on which I quit, but instead was really friendly. Everything has come full circle. The first thing she wanted to know about was my gf, since it was at the center of my conflict there. I told her we broke up since then. She broke up with hers too. Her new cowboy boy toy is younger than me---awkward. Spent time in a jacuzzi. Didn't go to driving range. Didn't do much of anything because I lost my wallet and my eyes turned full-on red.
Found out something a bit shocking about my brother's "upcoming marriage"--more on that later. Let's just say it involves Vegas. Apparently, our parents have kept it from us, which explains why their lawyer friends have come over for lunch so often lately. I don't really care though. It's their house, his inheritance, and their lives, so I'm okay with it, but my sister isn't.
Read Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass. Agreed with his ideas on masculinity.
Gearing up for summer at work. One of my students gave me a giganto Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. I've eaten 4 slices and have yet to feel ill effects besides you know, the red eyes and all. I've been learning fascinating research about the North Korean Workers' Party rise to power during the Korean War from the grad student whose PhD app I've been working on. Funding is tight for grad students this year. I've been thinking I should get around to my own, but I still feel like I'm waiting for something to click in my life before I'm ready for that. |
|
|
| My Throat Is Sore 7/10 |
[Jun. 4th, 2009|01:49 pm] |
| [ | State of Mind |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | Playing |
| | why you gotta sleep with my dad? | ] |
Memorial day weekend was...memorable. Poker night was fun. Drag Me To Hell was like...wtf (7/10)? I'm ready to move. I need to get over old relationship issues of feeling like a convenience, but my instincts don't lie, and I continue to allow myself be in those situations. I read Michael Crichton's Prey - 7/10, fun ideas on nanomachines though. I don't work this Saturday. I used to want to just sit at home and relax on the weekends--now having no plans kind of makes me go a little crazy. The good outweighs the bad. The good outweighs the bad. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ninjaprax's journal
happy